Conductor's pants stolen moments before concert

Dec 07, 2009

(special to the ICO from our arts correspondent)

Los Angeles, CA, December 6, 2009

Just moments before he was to go onstage to conduct his final concert with the Los Angeles Philharmonic, composer-conductor John Adams became the victim or a brazen act of intellectual property theft.

While the orchestra and soloist Leila Josefowicz waited onstage of Disney Hall to perform Adams’ concerto for electric violin, “The Dharma at Big Sur,” the composer discovered that felons working under the alias “Airborne Toxic Event” had bypassed the hall’s normally tight security and gained entry to the backstage area.

Once inside the group vandalized Mr. Adams’ dressing room and made off with his ritual “dharma pants” (see photo above), special apparel that the composer wears only for performances of his concerto.

The same Airborne Toxic Event had earlier in the week crashed a party at the White House given by President Barack Obama and his wife. On that occasion the thieves were unable to separate the President from his pants, succeeding only in escaping with a set of ceremonial Christmas drink coasters dating from the Carter administration.

When the theft of Adams’ “dharma pants” was made known, one of the Philharmonic’s violists, Bagwam Shree Rajsneesh Jr., generously offered Mr. Adams the use of his emergency spare dhoti.

“I keep it in my case along with extra strings and a picture of my kids, said the violist. You never know what might happen during a concert.”

Adams, however, respectfully declined Mr. Rajsneesh’s offer, opting instead for a quicker alternative, a pair of Acton Protecto Hip Waders offered to him by a member of the stage crew. Click here for surveillance camera footage of frantic dressing room activity in wake of theft.

FAA police later in the day apprehended The Airborne Toxic Event thieves as they stepped off the plane and crossed over Austin city limits.

Mr. Adams will be reunited with his pants later in the week when he arrives in New York to conduct his Nativity oratorio, El Niño at Carnegie Hall next Sunday.

“Happiness is overrated,” said the composer, but a good pair of dharma pants is serious bliss.

Comments (9)

Ian Cohen
December 8, 2009

Ammon
December 8, 2009

At least the damn "I Married A Communist" syndico-anarchists didn't get the shirt off your back.

Shameless
December 8, 2009

Man, "Dharma" is a great piece, but those waders really made the performance something special, even if you do miss your dharma pants. This was especially so in the final, undulating push to the end; the violinist's last, effortful whole-step arced across the hall, causing more than just one concert-goer's lungs to heave deeply. Don't get me wrong, Leila was great, but those waders really made it happen. They were the waders of the last arc.

Tedward
December 8, 2009

Pants caught

The pants in question have been discovered in Huddersfield England after police stopped a speedy car at 3.am last night.
Detective Leslie Groves spoke by Skype last night to reporters in San Fransicso:
"Hello, hello ( is this thing working). Yes, we stopped a car as it was observed to be driving erratically last night near the Hyming Slews Shopping Centre, in the centre of Huddersfield. There was no one else in the car apart from a pair of pants. Apparently, the pants was making his way to the contemporary music festival which unknown to him had closed. For the rest of the populace, we were unaware it had opened.
The driver made considerable loops in long sequences before coming to an abrupt end.
On a quick search of the car, there were considerable music materials in the boot, which we believe must have been imported from Columbia. The quantity of the materials as well as their potency has shocked us as the car was eventually halted near an old people's home.
Hidden on the pant's person were shimmering complex patterns which have now been sent for forensic analysis in London. we have never seen anything like it, though John Zorn has quite nice pants.
The pants may look innocent but deep down in their pockets is pure evil.We have no doubt these materials, if proven to be what we think they are, will garner a long prison sentence.
Even after repeated questioning down the station, the pants were still shaking and trembling. Also the fact that the whole car was stripped down to a minimal core leaves us in now doubt that this guy was part of a major crime syndicate. These people meant business.
The pants remained quite agitated and yelling nonsense about the wavemaker but we give him a quick thump which stopped all that. (Incidentally, my wife just gave me a bread maker and it is difficult enough to operate).
Subdued somewhat but still oscillating wildly, the pants explained that this has all something to do with this Adam's guy wanting to achieve world domination not only in haircuts but now in music.
Anyway, I've never heard of him but we always get a lot of nutters around here at festival time. However,let me assure you and members of the public there is no doubt in my mind that these pants are going down.
There is one puzzling facet of this story, and one I intuitively feel, point to this Adams character being involved at a deeper level than we initially suspected, is that the pants was wearing Adam's beard. It is undoubtedly symbolic but we aren't sure of what at this present time. We haven't ruled out the local bearded ladies from our enquiries. Asked what Adams does without the beard, the pants explained that Adams had two,wears one over the other and occasionally hires one out at weekends.

The pants have been taken into custody for further investigation. However, to date have remained unco-operative. Therefore tomorrow, we intend taking them to the police station's dry clearers Emporium and leaving them in the basket that reads "Drop your pants here."We intend giving them a final shaking.

Eh by the way, is that show The streets of San Francisco still on. That was a great show. Was Clint Eastwood in that?

zcr
December 8, 2009

Well, there have been many Pantalones stolen from plays, scores and libretti left unattended backstage.

Sam
December 10, 2009

Your confusing me, Mr. Adams. How exactly am I meant to receive this post? Did these bizarre events actually occur, and if they did not, then...? Sorry to say I don't get it.

Dustin
December 10, 2009

Waders of the last arc FTW

James
December 11, 2009

Need some socks?

Carolyn
December 15, 2009

I'm sure if you contacted The Airborne Toxic Event Sometime Around Midnight, they would be able to proclaim their Innocence.

Add a Comment

Marcel Proost to review Hallelujah Junction

About Hell Mouth

Hell Mouth is a blog about music (mostly contemporary), literature (mostly good), politics (mostly pernicious) and culture (mostly American). It is written by John Adams with the help of several “friends” who live in the redwoods of coastal Northern California.